Many men with whom I have corresponded have said to me, “Please, take this torment away from me.” One young African man said, “I may as well kill myself now, because if anyone finds out about me, I will be killed.” One young Chinese student said that as the oldest son, his culture expected him to marry and care for his parents. However, in some societies, coming out is impossible. If the client raises the issue of “conversion therapy,” he must be informed that position papers for the national associations representing social workers, psychologists, psychiatrists, and pediatricians have all stated that not only is conversion therapy ineffective, it can also be quite damaging. The MSM client should be helped to understand that he can choose to come out in only a limited way.
In therapy with MSM, the first question that must be answered is, “How would you intend to live your life if the homosexual attractions never go away?” The next step is to challenge the expectation of potential losses and gains that may result from coming out. It is essential for therapists to understand that “being gay” and “doing gay” are not the same, and a client may be a long way from accepting a gay identity. Some gay activists criticize MSM as not being actualized. MSM may refer to themselves as bisexual or “curious.” They engage in homosexual behavior, but they resist assuming a gay identity because they can’t identify with the stereotype. The decision to remain in the closet is impacted more by the fear of loss rather than the prospect of potential gain.
MSM don’t come out because they don’t see themselves as gay and don’t want to sacrifice the privileges of being heterosexual. It is like a sailing ship that tacks from port to port in high seas and heavy winds. However, for MSM who have led a heterosexual life, coming out is complex. Early LGBT literature described coming out as a linear process typically completed by the mid-20s. Except for the occasional exposure of some high-profile individuals, these men are virtually invisible.Īlthough people seem to be coming out at younger and younger ages, for various reasons, many MSM do not see coming out as a possibility. If we accept these percentages as valid, the number of MSM who call themselves straight may be greater than the number of men who identify themselves as gay. A study published in 2006 in the Annals of Internal Medicine indicated that nearly 10% of men in New York City who were surveyed and were identified as straight had sex exclusively with men, and nearly 10% of married men had experienced sex with another man in the preceding year. These figures suggest that about 3% of men have sex with men although they do not identify themselves as gay. In Sexual Fluidity: Understanding Women’s Love and Desire, Lisa Diamond, PhD, wrote that the gender of women’s sexual desire may be fluid, but researchers generally agree that men’s homosexual attractions never change and may grow stronger over time.Īccording to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, about 7% of men have sex with men, but gay men are estimated to comprise about 4% of the population. These men believe they are too straight to be gay, but others see them as too gay to be straight. Yet almost nothing has been written about men who have sex with men (MSM). Research on gay men has frequently focused on fidelity and the capacity to sustain long-term relationships.
Shortly before I came out to my wife, she had no idea about my conflict concerning my sexual orientation. My wife and I were best friends and had an acceptable sex life. Things suddenly shifted inside my head, and I went from thinking I was straight to knowing I was gay nothing else could explain what I felt.īy most measures, my marriage was good. I know something about breaking rules because I was married with two children when I unexpectedly fell in love with a man. Sexual infidelity is the epitome of “rule breaking” and can disrupt or end meaningful relationships.
When the rules are violated, the wrongdoer may be called on to account for his or her behavior. When we are in a relationship, we expect that our partner will keep our interests in mind even if he or she is tempted to disregard the rules. Infidelity and Forgiveness: The Complexities of Coming Out in a Straight RelationshipĪll relationships have rules, but sometimes those rules get broken.